Today has been a day.
A day of decisions about my time.
A day of hope for mending a broken piece of my heart.
A day of conviction.
A day of calling.
Today was the last day of BSF, sharing day. I did not share with the group, I'm not sound enough with my emotions to risk something like that. Talking out loud in front of a group of Godly women about my dirt feels like dagger in my heart, maybe if I was stronger...
Gosh, I wish I had been stronger.
One of these faithful women stood up and talked about some unimaginable things her family has endured this year. She then shared that this passage stuck with her...
6 The Lord our God said to us in Horeb, You have dwelt long enough on this mountain.
7 Turn and take up your journey and go to the hill country of the Amorites, and to all their neighbors in the Arabah, in the hill country, in the lowland, in the South (the Negeb), and on the coast, the land of the Canaanites, and Lebanon, as far as the great river, the river Euphrates.
You've been here long enough. Gather up and go forth into my promises. Wanna know what it said to me in my pew.
You've sat on this mountain long enough. Time to move on. Time to receive what I have for you, because contrary to what you think....I do have something for you.
I'd be lying if I said I haven't tried to leave the mountain. I think at first, I was afraid. Then I think I was trying to carry giant pieces of the mountain with me into the Promised Land. But God doesn't just want me to "go" He wants me to LEAVE. He wants me to leave that mountain there.
You've been here too long, Katie.
He has plans for me. Even in those days that I feel like he has forgotten about me...those days that I feel like the whole world has forgotten about me. Because that happens...
There are days I feel like the only person who knows I exist is Will...and Will can't talk. Despite the lies I build up in my heart, His plans still stand.
Take up your Journey little girl, you've dwelt here too long.
I hold onto grief. Grief brought on by people I put too much stock in. Things I put too much stock in.
Get up. Leave it. It's not what I have for you. You've been here too long.
So here I go again. I'm not packing up. I'm not looking back. I'll try again. I may fail, I will fail. But I can't stay here. I have to leave this mountain. No one can do it for me, there is no sure fire way to avoid disaster. There is just a mountain and a Promised Land.
You have dwelt on this mountain too long, my girl.
I hear you now, Jesus. I heard you.
Fear and Faith can't share a house.
Oh jeez. You never said anything about that. I'm terrified. I'm shaking just writing this blog post. How am I supposed to do any of this without fear!?
"You're making melodies over me
Is the promise
For I am pilgrim on a journey
and you will lift my head above the mighty waves
you are able to keep me from stumbling
and in my weakness you are my strength that comes from within..
Good Shepherd of my soul, take my hand and lead me home."
I forget a lot of the time that this life is a journey and I'm a pilgrim. I am nowhere near finished. So I can't stay on the mountain, I have to keep moving.
He has my footsteps, my breaths, my tears.
He heals my brokenness.
He clears fear out of my house.
We all have a mountain.
Get up. Take hold of the promises of God. Let go. Let His mercy wash over you and penetrate where the enemy has made you callus. Let Him take you by the hand and lead you off the mountain. This isn't it, He has something even better in store.
Get off the mountain, you've been there too long.